I can no longer
remember what I look like. Some days, I am pale with skin the color of pasty
wallpaper and eyes as blue as a dingy bar’s neon lights. Other days, I am flushed with red cheeks and
glowing eyes of amber and beer bottles, and a ballerina’s step. One thing is
for sure though, I am a walking drugstore. That is what I remember the most.
That, and his smile.
Let me start over.
I am a walking
drugstore. My bodily fluids have become chemicals people are starting to get
addicted to. From my blood, to my sweat and tears, they sample me in the most
undignified ways. They keep me around like a pet or livestock to be milked. I
am a living doll, built with no other purpose but to be tied to a heater in the
pharmacy’s back room and fill vials and needles when people come in for their
fix.
I am a living
doll, and I was slowly breaking.
At first it was no
big deal. I’m not human, at least not entirely. I felt no pain when they first
started taking samples. It started with simple blood transfusions. Patients and
clients alike would inject my blood into their arms and streams, or shoot them
up like cocaine. But the addiction progressively became worse, and people
started to want more and more.
They would shoot
up the chemicals in a variety of places. Beneath their toenails, their sclera,
the veins on the underside of their tongue. One night a customer came in and
needed a needle through his eyeball, though no one needed to tell him that both
his eyes were as bloodshot as beets. They, my handlers, decided that they would
use the same fluids from my eyeballs for this valued customer. And for the
first time in my inanimated life, I felt afraid.
I suffered the
surgery.
When it was done,
I was kept in a secluded room to ‘heal’ or replenish what I’d lost in the
darkness. This dark room was a tiny thing at the farther most back of the hellish
clinic, right next to the back door. My room, of course, was locked. There was
however a tiny window in my door where my handlers would slide open to check on
me.
One night, while I
was still recuperating in the darkness, I heard the little window slide. It was
however not my handler, but a face I’d never seen before. He was not a regular
either. In fact, he looked rather lost. He needed only seconds to process that
I was in fact a prisoner he had found by coincidence and made it his mission to
free me. I stared absent-mindedly as he tried the lock but bolted out of there
the moment he opened the heavy door, and I took my hand in his the whole time I
ran.
We were out in the
wild streets, running and running till our legs felt like they could give out.
Running till we felt like no more shadows were looming over our heads, or
breathing down our necks. And then, in that part of unchartered city, it began
to pour. Having found some shelter, the man –my rescuer– seemed upset at the
rate things were turning out. He apologized about the fact that we were caught
up in this wet mess and now that we were lost without a plan. He looked pained,
as if he had failed before we had even begun anything.
I said nothing as
I hugged him, pulling his drenched body close to mine. I hug him with my pasty
wallpaper arms, as my cracked lips kiss him then and there. In a voice that
didn’t even sound like my own, I said unto him that I would rather be here in
this mess with him than back at that merciless sty.
I pull away and
look up at him, burning the image of his smile into my memory. And it was that
very night I found that I had fallen for his taste.
Oh
my God it has been forever since my last update on this blog and I am so so
sorry. Things have been busy ever since I graduated this February. Things have
been topsy turvy, and I’ve just been all over the place trying to reorganize my
life and be a productive member of society. That said, I haven’t been keeping
note of my Dreams as of late and that kinda makes me sad. Even though I’m using
this new app on my phone called Dreamboard, which makes it easier for me to document
them the moment I wake up. The fact of it is, I just haven’t been remembering
them as of late. And the ones I do remember aren’t eventful enough for me to
write about. Anyways! Here’s a new Dream to add to the journal! If you’ve stuck
around since the beginning of this blog, I’d just like to say thank you so much
for your patience and I hope you still enjoy my content~
