I was on a van. It must've been a HUGE effin van cus all the boys and all the girls from my class were there. With our stuff. Not sure what stuff but it looked to me like we had all our domestic things packed with us like we were going camping, but for a longer time. I asked myself, are we living together in dorms?
Sure enough I was right. We were going to some university and somehow or rather we were assigned to live together. Before we got to the uni, I remember that the vehicle looked like a HUGE van from the outside and inside it looked like the innards of a private jet. Just the whole thing was economy class. We had tables and each table had four seats, two seats facing the opposite.
I remember I sat next to Niq [Aah. Niq. I always did look up to you and admired you. Yeah, you were smart. Really smart.] and she was showing my different types of poisonous spiders on her laptop. All of a sudden, a small spider was crawling up my arm, leaving an acid trail and it burned my skin deeply. Quickly Nig took the spider with her very own fingers, not even gloved, and placed it on her arm. The spider crawled along, but I don't remember whether she was being burned or not by acid.
I asked, “Doesn't it hurt??” She just shrugged. [I wonder if she weighs other people's problems on her shoulders. I should ask her next time, afraid that such things might hurt her in the long run, like the spider hiding somewhere in her clothes. Waiting to strike and bring her down.]
I remember Dee [Aah. Dee. My big sister. I don't really know when I started seeing you as my big sis but I believe everyone is my big sis and bro. After all I am the youngest, but you always took good care of me. And everyone else. You try so hard, and we give back so little.] sitting behind me and once she saw the burns on my arm, she handed my that alcoholic tissues, the ones you sometimes find at hotels or something? The ones that have fragrant scents? So I used it on my arm and it felt so soothing. After the wiping, all that were left were deep scars.
I remember how Dee stared at my scars and looked so sad for me. [You don't need to worry about me, Dee. Just worry about you. I always do. Don't kill yourself, remember?]
Still on the way to our uni, I forgot about my burns and with my injured hand I tried to get my MP3 but I dropped it and it slid on the rubber-matted floor. DJ [Ah. DJ. Your jokes were always the most random and pleasing. And you were so intelligent, I envied you so much. You said it was hard for you to smile especially in pictures. I noticed, you always did look so sad. Eyes looking downward and nowhere.] picked it up and gave it back, and asked how the burns were. I thanked him.
In the Dream he looked neutral. Not sad. Not smiling. After I thanked him, he went about his business, with both hands in his pockets. [Eyes downward and looking nowhere. Is it okay to smile even when you don't mean it?]
We got to the uni and we had to go straight to the office. Yem [Ah. Yem. You always had a lovely smile, and your skin so fair. I never told you how you were like Snow White. You knew a lot about my flaws, didn't you? But you kept quiet and in a way helped me, so much more than I ever knew. But now I know.] was there first, chatting with the alumni of the uni, asking questions and inquiring about the uni. She was like our class rep for today. [Thank you.]
We were in our dorm, which was one HUGE pad. The girls had the East wing, boys had the West but we all chilled in the main living room area. It was the bomb. Everyone having fun like the good old days. I went over to Elmo and Bell [Ah. Elmo and Bell. You two. You were somehow the life of the party. I admired the individual talents and qualities you guys had and together, you made an incredible milkshake blend. Bell, the exciting Raspberry syrup mixed with Elmo, the chilling Vanilla cream.] who were looking through old pictures, especially the boys'. [Always remember how beautiful you are.]
For some reason, there was a picture of Sano wearing a tuxedo (which he never did, not to my knowledge) and it even looked like it was at some party. There was another picture with Taha, Zim, Mano and Za8 together in a group but they looked so much younger. Like when we were in Secondary 3 or 2. They all had baby faces and we all laughed at that.
[Ah. Sano. You always missed the qualities you had on your back while you plainly saw the ones on others' backs. Remember how you told me how you felt like.. you were in a deep dark pit and you struggled climbing out of there? I couldn't answer you cus I never felt that way. I wish I could see through other peoples' eyes, unlocking the secret windows to their souls.]
[Ah. Taha. I don't remember much now, since my memory is quite weak and vague. But you did make me laugh from time to time with your sarcasm, especially when you made jokes with such a straight non-changing face. You were funny. And you were very clever. Hope you knew that. I always found you that way.]
[Ah. Zim. You have changed, and changed so much and so well. We are all very much proud of you so don't run off that track. You'll get knocked off once or twice, you know plenty well by what and why, but try your hardest to get back on. Hope I was a friend enough to support you.]
[Ah. Mano. You were like everyone's big bro. The sometimes silly big bro, but thats the one we like most I suppose. Though it burdened you, you still listened to ppl as they came to you with their problems. You could have dismissed them as coldly but you never did. You still listened. You're that kind of big bro.]
[Ah. Za8. We were never that close were we? I do regret that. I mean, you guys were all really nice, but I didn't have the guts to reach out and know you better, and deeper. While we're still alive, there are many more things to learn about you, and you have many more songs to sing.]
This letter is dedicated to my closest most beloved friends. To read the white letters, highlight the whole journal.
PS: I love you all.
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